Monday, August 29, 2011

A dark spot in an otherwise bright world

So, I haven't slept in a good, long while.  A few days.  Five, maybe six.  It's all just one long day at this point.  It started with a 3-day migraine.  The headache didn't let me sleep, so I took a Motrin PM for a few nights, and that started really weird dreams.  Dreams of being eaten by dinosaurs and the cat being kidnapped by drug dealers.  Just messed up.  They kept me awake every couple of hours, so I'd sleep for a few hours and then be awake for an hour and a half, etc.  Then two nights ago, I started waking up every 45 minutes.  Even a couple of naps I tried to take were interrupted by strange dreams.

Last night, though, the dream woke me up with a broken heart.  I was having a baby, but the nurses and doctors wouldn't let Eric or my mom in the delivery room.  When the baby was born, everyone kept calling the baby "Jason" and saying that he was called Jason after his father.  I kept screaming, "No! His name is not Jason!  My husband is Eric, not Jason!"  I kept asking for Eric, but they wouldn't let him in, and then a couple came in, and the nurses gave them my baby.  I woke up with a pain in my chest, and I couldn't get back to sleep.  It just hurt so badly.

I don't even know where to go from there.  I need to sleep.

We are still trying to buy a house and sell our house.  Nothing much has come our way.  It's at a bit of a standstill, which is fine, because with the kids in school and me in school, it's been a little crazy.  Little Man has been doing better in kindergarten.  We haven't had any major incidences for a couple of weeks.  He just has some trouble with volume control. 

Both boys have been acting kind of odd at home, though.  Little Man is acting out in ways he hasn't for years.  It's been weird, his attitude.  He's been really disrespectful and rude to his father, telling him "no" when told to go to time out and even yelling, "Listen to me when I'm talking to you!" at him.  We can deal with it.  He just gets to stand in the corner longer.  Big Man, however, is acting really, really strangely.  He's throwing crazy fits, which is not like him at.all.  For odd things like spilling his juice.  He's breaking down in tears and screaming like his world is over.  I really think he's not sleeping well, either.  He seems really, really tired.  He won't tell me when I ask him (not unusual).  He's still doing well in school, though I wonder how he's doing on the friend front.  He says he doesn't have any, but he doesn't seem to care.  Big Man is a lot more mature (usually) than other children his age, and I think he just can't connect with them.  He doesn't care about things like Spiderman or riding his bike like other kids do.  Maybe that's our fault.  He just hasn't seemed interested in anything we've brought to his attention.  He doesn't want to play sports.  I'm not sure he has any interests at all.  None that he will tell me about, anyway.  I try to bring home books about space, skateboarding, Captain Underpants, baseball.  He hates it all.  I've taken him to the store to pick out toys.  He takes 45 minutes to pick out nothing.  He's just not interested in anything at all.  He probably does genius-level math in his head all day, and we can't see his untapped talent.  He has all perfect behavior days at school, a whole month's worth, so I put a computer in his room.  It's Net Nannied (by me, because I have to put a password in for him to turn it on), of course, but he seems to be able to learn anything if it's attached to a monitor, so maybe we can see what kinda stuff he's into because that's what he'll look for.  I feel like I don't know the Big Man at all, so I don't know how to take his change in behavior.  I hope he opens up a little more.  I can tell he still doesn't trust me.  He asks me sometimes when I'm going to leave.  He's just such a serious and complex young man.  You get the feeling from him that he hasn't been a child in a long time.

I shoulda got a falcon.

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