Sunday, November 13, 2011

My chest aches

It is no secret that my past is not a pretty thing.  From the age of about 17 to around 27 my life was a mess, to put it mildly.  Things that happened during that time tend to come back to haunt me, especially at bedtime.  I believe it's a major source of my insomnia.  I spend a lot of nights crying into my pillow.

A lot of this rethinking showed up with my counseling for my Asperger's diagnosis.  Social training not only taught me how to interact and read others, it also taught me the cruelty of others, cruelty that I did not have the capacity to understand before my training.  I have a tendency to review past interactions, interactions that meant nothing to me at the time, and feel immensely hurt now that I understand them.  Boyfriends who I thought I loved at tender ages cheated, and it didn't hurt for more than a second, or even at all.  Donny's abuse really didn't have much affect on me until much later, and once I figured it out, there was no pain at all.  I was able to walk away from a years'-long relationship without a drop of hurt or care.  I'd moved on emotionally before I'd even moved out of the house.  Within hours of the boot flying at my face, actually.  I remember it being a huge problem in the break up.  He would cry and yell and scream about how angry and hurt he was and that he loved me and needed me, and we had to make this work, and all I could muster was a bored stare.  There was a common complaint of, "How can you be so cold?"  He's not the only one who has ever said that.  There are people in my life that I should be intensely angry with.  This is what keeps me up at night.  The coldness is gone, and now my emotions, or at least my thoughts, seem to understand what happened around me, and it hurts.  I'm pretty sure my emotions were intact before, but they weren't connecting with my brain.  My behavior acted accordingly, that's for sure.  With each hurt, I got a bit more reckless, but my noodle never connected it with the emotional "pain".  I suppose that's because emotions don't have a mental reaction, really.  They're not connected to anything.  To me, emotions are just words, or a fleeting physical reaction.  My chest aches now, though, so that's something.

OK, I am interrupting this pensive whine-fest for a little WTF.  I am trying to earn Swagbucks, and I'm watching SBTV, and one of the food videos is seriously, "Spatchcocking a chicken, how to".  W.T.F? Spatchcocking?!?!?!?  What in the heck is that?  I suppose, if I actually WATCHED the video, then I would know, but I don't actually watch the videos.  I turn them on, and then do other things while they earn Swagbucks for me.  That way I can get a free HDTV for Christmas.  You see what I did there?

Also, I was poking through my stats, and there's a way to see what people search to find my blog.  I gotta say, some of y'all are SICK, dudes.  Well, probably not my regular reading dudes, but some of y'all who land on my page.  There are my homies, who find me via Googling my blog or clicking through from FB or the blogs we all share as IndyMoms, and then, there are the strangers.  Some of them are looking for help, mostly parenting an autistic stepkid.  Sorry, can't help you there.  Some of them are looking for an outlet for anger, "my stepmom sucks".  Then, there's the sickos looking for porn.  I promise to you, several of my "readers" have found me by searching for adult websites featuring stepmothers.  I'm happy to say you will find none of that here, sirs.

Though you might have ten years ago.