Help! I'm stuck in a pair of Spanx!

So, yesterday I went shopping for my wedding lingerie.  Not the fun, cheesy, 80s, "come to mama" lingerie that you get to wear on your wedding night, oh no.  I went shopping for those torture devices that you wear underneath your wedding gown.  The ones that shove all of your imperfections into God knows where and makes you look less than human.  Goodbye, flaws; hello, Spanx!  Anyway, I tried on a girdle at Meijer.  Who in the hell invented these things?  Even Wikipedia doesn't know.  Eff off, girdle.  Well, I know where all of the bits go that the girdle squishes.  It goes above and below the girdle!  If you ever want to look like a pound of sausage stuffed into a 1/2 pound casing, this is the way to go.

Have you ever tried something on in the shop and actually laughed out loud in a crowded dressing room?  Yeah.  That was me last night.  Laughing HYSTERICALLY.  I put this girdle on, and then put some dress I found over it to check out the "smoothing effects" of said girdle.  If "smooth" means "creating lumps beneath the breasts and stomach where there were none before," then this thing was successful.

On to Target, where they have some Spanx.  Unlike girdles, I KNOW who invented Spanx.  It was one Sara Blakely.  I now know with whom to express my disbelief.  I found this....thing.  It's like a onesie for an adult.  It goes all of the way up to the boobs and then down to the mid-thighs like shorts.  It was a medium, but looked like about a size 18 months.  Anyway, I put this thing on.  Kind of.  I think I did it right.  Anyway, smoothing, yes.  Breathing, no.  Also, I couldn't get it off.  Seriously, dudes.  I'm in the Target dressing room, all "HAAAALP!! I'M STUCK IN A PAIR OF SPANX!"  Other ladies and young girls are laughing at me.  The Target employee, instead of helping me, called more Target employees to come witness the hilarity.  As it is, I got stuck in the Spanx, and I had to wiggle myself out of them, and no one wants to deal with that on their wedding day.

Oh! Class is beginning!!!!